Things and jokes that make you laugh

[cgavin01]

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INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and lowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck !

Tech Support

[cgavin01]

Dear Helpdesk,


A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.


However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems. The only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard-drive and can not be deleted, they then resurface months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.
The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Help.

[NoKaiz]

An Irish gentleman wants a job, but the English foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Oll right geezer, ere is your furst question,” the foreman said.

"Withou usin numbas, represent the numba 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this oll abou'en?" the boss puzzled.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irish man.

"Oh right," says the boss. " Youu second question. Use the same rules, but this time the numba is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "You avin a giraffe mate? Ow on eath do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat's 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "Oll right, last question. Same ruwles again, ba represent the numba 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "Yor a nutta, if you think that represents a undred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and craped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd. Dat makes one hundred.

So, when I start?"

This one made me laugh the most, but there all good. Im bad when it comes to jokes.

[StunnedSilence]

Mate i'm from Northern Ireland... I take offence

Jonny

[stuart08]

Everybodies joke made me laugh and smile!
-----------
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric choo choo train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitc*** who want off, get the he** off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bit**** who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pi**** about the two hour delay, please see the bit** in the kitchen.”

[Von]

Mate i'm from Northern Ireland... I take offence

Jonny

Spookily enough so am I and I didn't.

And spookily enough we share the same christian name.

* cue Twilight Zone music *

[TVC_Admin]

The pilot came over the intercom and announced that the plane was running out of fuel, and a crash landing was imminent. Hearing this, the senior steward, who had always fancied the captain ran into the cockpit ripped off her blouse and shouted at the captain "this is your last chance to make me feel like a real woman"

The captain smiled at her, unbottoned his shirt, took if off and said to her "OK, if that's what you really want", handed her his shirt and added "and whilst you're doing the ironing, you might as well do this shirt as well"


That's the other 50% of the population offended as well!

[NoKaiz]

^^^^^^^^ LMAO PURE JOKES!!!

I got to tell a couple people about these, lol

[TVC_Colwal]

Mate i'm from Northern Ireland... I take offence

Jonny

Hmmm, did you understand the joke
I suggest you be careful or you will be living up to the Irish stereotype from us kerrymen

[TVC_Colwal]

Now I am going to clobbered by the Welsh
A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and falls into bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives them out to the woods He spends all day at it again and on returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.