Things and jokes that make you laugh

[tartan]

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Very good!

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[TVC_Admin]

Heard today, no offence intended to anyone, but I thought it quite amusing:

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.

She is now an unmarried, single mother with no permanent address, three kids from different fathers, one of them black.

Job done.

[wardog990]

Ralph has a problem

When Ralph first noticed that his penis
Was growing larger and staying
Erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks,
His penis had grown to nearly twenty inches..

Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
And even walking. So he and
His wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial
Examination, the doctor explained to the couple
That, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
Through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?'
Responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gonna lengthen
His legs, aren't you?

[cgavin01]

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[cgavin01]

The Other day I was talking to my sexy female neighbour and she was telling me that her Husband, was very unhappy with her mood swings, so he ran out and bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods.

Does it work I asked.

Well we've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his f***ing forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond she replied.

[Von]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's drivers licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."

[TVC_Colwal]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's drivers licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."

Be careful my friend or we could find ourselves being clobbered by the new women members

[TVC_Colwal]

Just to even up the score from my wife Mrs. Colwal
Men Are Like...

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

[TVC_Admin]

Heard about the newlyweds. On their honeymoon bed, she lay back, spreadeagled and said "You know just what I want" to her new husband, to which he replied "All the fecking bed by the looks of you"

Grabs coat and hat, hails taxi

[TVC_Colwal]

^^^^^^^^
Well that buggered up my PC diplomacy didn't it lol